Of Lives and Love
by zxanthe
Summary: Save the earth or save yourself? This is the question Raven faces one moonless night on the roof of Titans Tower, and the choice she makes could determine the fate of the world. Takes place between The Prophecy and The End.


**A/N: **_Let it be known that I in no way condone suicide. In this fic I am simply writing about it. I do not endorse it in any way (in fact, I strongly discourage it! There's so much to live for in this world, I promise!) _

* * *

On the roof of Titans Tower, it is quiet. Peaceful. The murmur of the sea below soothes the knot in the pit of my stomach, the warm, gentle breeze blowing in from the bay a silken blanket for my chilled skin. Brilliant stars glitter coldly above, the sole occupants in the vast black dome of the sky.

I have dressed up for the occasion, abandoning my usual leotard and cape in favor of a plain black dress, accentuated by a simple string of pearls. My bare feet dangle over empty space, a full glass of wine clutched in one hand. I bring the drink to my lips, take a sip. Tonight, it is just me and a bottle of perfectly aged, fermented grape juice.

It will make what I came here to do much easier.

The fact that I will be responsible for the total destruction of everything I have ever worked for, everyone I have ever loved, is absolutely unbearable. From the moment I was born, I have been cursed with the burden of being my father's Portal to Earth, to my home, to my friends. Heroism was my attempt at redemption, an attempt that could only get me so far.

The only way to save the world, to completely halt my father's plans, is to die.

A wry smile twists my lips. In my brief, narrow window of existence I have fought some of the greatest villains the universe has to offer, gone on fantastic adventures akin to those found in the novels I so enjoy, even- for however brief a spell- experienced the strange, wild emotion called love.

I finish my first glass of wine.

My wonderful friends. When they sprint to the roof and find my broken body the next morning, Starfire will scream, and Robin's anguished shout of my name will echo across the bay. Cyborg's half-robotic face will melt into a mask of horror, and Beast Boy-

Beast Boy.

Will his shout join together with Robin's, mingle with Star's cry? Will he sob, hold my body close, grab me by the shoulders and shake me back and forth in a futile attempt to bring me back to life? Will he, later, after the funeral, nurse his broken heart?

For some time now, I've noticed something stirring inside the green shape-shifter. Something warm and soft and fluttery, something that made his thoughts heat up and tangle together whenever I entered a room, something conveyed in sideways looks and covert glances. And of course, I did nothing, for fear of the strange and wonderful feeling growing within that had at one time left me exposed, vulnerable, weak. Oh, yes, I had unwittingly fallen in love with Beast Boy, a fact that both exhilarated and terrified me to no end. Affection for the childish, goofy, tofu-brained superhero? Unlikely, bordering on impossible. And yet…

I take an unnecessarily large gulp of wine and nearly choke.

The day I sensed the reason that Beast Boy was even more moronic than usual around me in particular turned my world upside down. Every light bulb in Titans Tower narrowly escaped a very violent end.

Perhaps if I had been a little less cautious, something might have happened between us. But it is too late to go down that road now. Regret sits painfully in my chest, and I take another swig of drink.

What would it have felt like to kiss him?

The stars twinkle above me, impossibly distant pinpricks of light, too far away to answer. I close my eyes.

It is time.

My body trembles and I stand, brushing dirt and grit from the back of my dress. My arms hang limply by my sides, toes wriggling over empty air. The breeze picks up, an attempt to push me backwards.

This is supposed to be a moment of selfless courage and nobility, the heroine staring Death bravely in the face and then walking willingly into its cold embrace to save the world. So then why is my whole body trembling, my chin quivering? Why are my eyes so wet?

Because I don't want to hurt my friends. Because I don't want to die. Because I am _afraid._

Abruptly, a surge of vicious hatred for my father courses through my body. For one brief second, my hands flare with black energy. It's his entire fault for turning my life into this miserable tragedy, for cutting it so unfairly short. And yet if it weren't for him, I would not have existed on the Earth in the first place.

_Damn it all._

The wine gives everything a slightly surreal quality, making the world shimmer oddly. I take a deep breath of sea air, smelling of salt and smog. My heart pumps faster in my chest, as if trying to fit a lifetime's beats into the minutes I have left. Suddenly I am aware of my body like I have never been before, every nerve ending, every muscle, the pressure of the ground against my feet and the light kiss of the wind on my skin. I hear the sounds of Jump City on the mainland, a distant roar that is the city's blood rushing through its veins. My body, my home, a fragile machine that I will soon be violently ripped from. I take a deep breath; fill my lungs to maximum capacity. I allow myself another sip of wine; let my body sway with the wind. A feeling of warm contentment creeps over my mind, blanketing it in a thin veil of numbness.

"Raven?"

That voice. Beast Boy's voice. Why did that green idiot have to come up here, _now_ of all times?

"What're you doing?"

The stars are so beautiful. Perhaps if I jump, I will be able to catch one. I lean ever so slowly forward, reach up with trembling arms. My heartbeat crescendos to a violent pounding, and I suck in a sharp breath, a strange sound almost like a sob catching in my throat.

My heart stops as I overbalance, my body suddenly going numb. So slowly, so gracefully, I fall forward, knees giving way. It is as if time has slowed down and I am suspended limply in midair, arms spread wide in a useless imitation of wings on either side of me, dress tangled around my nonexistent knees. My mind is, for one endless instant, completely, blissfully empty.

And then Beast Boy's yell tears violently through my frozen moment, a raw, terrified thing: "RAVEN, NO!"

Time restarts and I begin to fall, so very, very fast. I can hear nothing but the terrified scream of the wind in my ears. The breath is ripped from my body, and suddenly it hits me that _I am about to die_.

It is fear that jolts my organs into my throat, because I know that wherever I will go after I explode on the uncaring rocks below will not be pleasant at all. Sadness and regret make tears leak from my eyes and fly up my cheeks. My mouth opens, perhaps to scream, or maybe to sob. But before my body can decide which, clawed feet close around my shoulders and lift me into the sky. For a brief instant I am high above Titans Tower, and then with surprising gentleness I am deposited back on the roof in a crumpled heap.

Footsteps. His arms loop around me, cradling me. "Raven?" His voice trembles, made loud by fear.

"Why the hell did you come up here?" I ask him, my eyes still closed. Somehow my voice is completely level, sharpened by suppressed fear and something else: anger.

"Why do you think? I got up for a midnight snack and…and there was a _suicide note _on the counter. Goddammit, Raven, what's wrong with you?!"

I jerk away from him and get to my feet, as does he. "_Nothing_ is wrong with me," I tell him, my voice as cold and hard as ice. "I wanted to die because of you."

Beast Boy is rendered speechless.

"I thought it was the only way to save you."

"What are you talking about?!"

"Remember what I told you yesterday? About the Mark of Scath? About me? Or did you not think it was important enough to remember?"

Even though in the darkness I can barely see him, I know he's gaping at me.

"I am the one who will bring the greatest evil that ever existed to this planet," I tell him, icy calm. "But what if my father's only way here was suddenly gone? Removed from the equation?"

"There wouldn't be a threat anymore," Beast Boy finishes.

"Exactly."

There is silence, except for the soft rushing sound of the sea breaking against the island.

"I had a vision where all of you turned to stone and the city was drowned in flames," I say quietly. "I can't stand the thought of being responsible for your pain, for your death. For the complete annihilation of every single thing I…."

I can't finish. I take a deep, shuddering breath to calm myself; swallow down the lump quivering in my throat. "Now will you please let me die?"

"I can't." His voice trembles, and for a long time we just stand there, looking at each other's silhouettes under a vast, moonless sky.

"You have to." My tone has become more forceful, anger and impatience rising once more. Why doesn't he get it? Why won't he see that this is necessary, that this is what I need to do if I want to keep him and the others alive?

"Did I ever tell you," he says suddenly, voice oddly constricted, "how good you look in a dress?" And before I can reply, before I can wonder how exactly he can see me in such dim lighting, his arms wrap around me and his lips mash down on mine and then

I am falling again.

Not once have I kissed a boy, not once have I let myself imagine in depth what it could ever be like. Never could I have conjured up his lips, warm and pleasantly soft, the quiet, gasping breaths that mingle together in one whispered harmony, nor the way every touch sends wild tingles surging up my spine and shooting through my whole body. Suddenly I am falling into an abyss of curiosity and passion and desire I never knew existed within me, and all I know is that _I want more. _In these few, precious seconds I learn of a thousand things, drown in the depths of Garfield Logan's mind, discover what it means to love and be loved. But the kiss is bittersweet, salted with sadness and laden with unsaid sorrows.

How cruel is it to have to say _goodbye_, just when you have so suddenly, so passionately said _hello_?

When we break apart, we are both breathless, gasping for air. I look at him and he looks at me and the tears drip one by one down my cheeks.

"I'm sorry," I say, but it is not him I am apologizing to. It is to the billions of souls I have just condemned, and even as I grip his hand and allow him to lead me inside I can hear my father laughing.


End file.
